Chef Rob01

Some friends wanted to have a bit of a dinner party. I love to cook. So, I volunteered to be the chef.

"Don't worry," I told them, "I'll think of something fun and creative that'll taste GREAT!

At first I thought I'd do Chinese. I haven't done a really big Chinese dinner in a couple of years, and I love the mess I get to make of a kitchen when I cook it. Then I thought about how badly I want to get my weight down and decided that a traditional Turkey dinner might be a better idea.

Hmmmmm, how do ya make that creative and fun? I know! It's been a few years, but I have this GREAT secret marinade recipe that combined with a DEEP FRYER would be FANTASTIC. (That's gotta be one of the best ways to make good-for-you-food suddenly be bad-for-you-food.) I don't have a turkey fryer anymore, so I do some quick checking and order one in. No problem, they tell me, it'll be here in plenty of time.

I buy the turkey, thaw it, marinade it - I'm ready to go! Go to pick up fryer - oh, we're sorry sir, that didn't come in. AGGGHHHHH! So, I start calling. Canadian Tire says they have 3 - but they're 45 minutes away. No worries, I get my wife to start on a few of the vegies for me. I jump in the car.

On the way there I decide to call and confirm - so I call. Yup, the computer says there's 3 of 'em, but, just to be sure the clerk says she'll check and call me right back. 20 minutes later I'm almost to Canadian Tire and still no call - so I call. Nope, nothing. Computer must be wrong. I start calling every place I can think of. Peavey Mart - sold out. Home Depot - sold out. Other Canadian tire - sold out. I'm getting desperate. I call Home Hardware. "Yes, we've got them on sale this week and we have lots of them!" Great - what's your address. Way over on the West side? No problem! It's only another 20 minutes, but I'm on a mission. I get there in 15. I talk to one clerk - she's not sure what I'm talking about, but takes me back to customer service. "Oh yeah - I know what you're talking about, but we don't have any left, and haven't for a couple of weeks - are you sure you're at the right store?"

"Well, unless there's two Home hardwares at this addres..." - I notice a clerk standing off to the side - I suspect he's the guy I talked to on the phone and I'm about to tear a strip off him when I decide it's just not worth the time or effort.

Frustrated would be the under-statement of the year.

Only one more place I can think of - Wholesale sports. I call. Yup, they carry 'em, but they're out of the kits and only have the components. It'll be more expensive this way, but I can get it. - I speed over as quick as I can. Did I say speed?

Speed limit is 50km/hr - I'm doing 80km/hr when I think I see lights on the roof of a car coming towards me, but my radar detector's not going off - ooops, I unplugged it to charge my phone up. The cop hits his lights, but instead of whipping around and plastering me, just gives me the thumbs-down sign to slow down. I do - for about 5 minutes, anyway.

Finally arrive at Wholesale sports. Pick up the stuff, and head for the till. I ask the guy - "you're sure this is the right size and everything, right?" He assures me I've got what I need.

I get home and start assembling. My dinner guests are already here, so we're gonna be about 1.5 hours late for dinner. I get it put together, fill the vat with oil, fire up the burner - and the vat doesn't fit on the burner. AGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

A little creative "McGyvering" and I'm ready to go. Turns out the burner won't throw off enough heat to bring the oil up to the temp I want it at - I throw the turkey in anyway. We're running a little later than planned (dinner was to start at 6:30 - we're now looking at 11:30 before we start eating.)

Turkey's cooking slow - It's midnight when I pull it out and start cutting - what's this - PINK?! Still not done. I hate to give up, but it's time to pack this one in.

By 1:00 my guests have left (we played some games and filled up on the veggie trays I'd put together earlier.)

I now throw the turkey into a roaster pan and put it in the oven. By 4am it's finally done and I pull it out, cut it up, and throw it in the fridge. Time for bed.

Don't know if anybody's gonna ask me to cook anything again! oh well. Guess I"m gonna have to go shoot a clerk at Wholesale Sports.